Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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