Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
