My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
the liver wants what the liver wants
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
