I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
