I wish my penis had an off switch
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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