I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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