hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
