when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Boobs are out for the taking
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
