It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
