I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
