My boss' voice literally gives me gas
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
