Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
