Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
