uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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