So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
