Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
