I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
