i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
