I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
