I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
