wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
