That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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