It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
