I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I deserve this hangover.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
