I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
