Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
