Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
