Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
