just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
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If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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