i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
