i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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