Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
