I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
