So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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