I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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