I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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