When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
