If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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