if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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