What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
