Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
