your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
