my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.