I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
