Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
