so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
