i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
