i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
