seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
worst night to have a conscience
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
