If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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