I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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