you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
