I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
