the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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