Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
